Thursday, February 5, 2009

Letting Go

So I never thought I would find myself in a place of praying to let go of something that was GREAT in my life. I've always prayed that I could let go of the bad and negative things that have hindered me from moving forward. I've had my share of those prayers for sure! But now I find myself in a very strange heart wrenching place. I know that for me to be able to move forward in what God has for me I need to let go of the amazing and wonderful things that we were able to do by God's grace and moved away from. It's never been a question of knowing if we were in God's will when we left. We know it was God's will, and we followed whole heartedly! That doesn't mean that it was easy.

I am on day 4....almost 5 (thank the Lord) of a church wide Daniel fast. It's been a long time since I was able to fast like this, and I don't think I was expecting God to begin to shake me this soon. He's shaking my core, but it's good, almost refreshing in a way. I've been experiencing so much refreshing lately (see last blog). I must have been really needing it. I absolutely HATE fasting...just being honest. Our pastor said that fasting is FEASTING ON GOD. I am trying to feast on Him as much as I can and balance my home and children all at the same time. Years ago I wrote a song called "Deeper" and I never knew how meaningful it would be in my life, here far away from all I knew, three children later, and more hungry for God than I've been in a long time. A line in the song says, "I won't go if You're not there, so take me deeper with You."

Exodus 33:15-16
Then he said to Him, "If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are on the face of the earth."

I WON'T GO if He's not there! I need His presence in my life, and that amazing Presence of God is unveiling many areas that are hindering me from moving forward and grabbing hold of what He has for me. So now I find myself at a loss, never having felt the need to let go of something great. But I want nothing less than ALL He has for me, so Lord help me let go. I want You more, I need You more.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Refreshing Change

When you've been a part of something, and in the middle of something for so long, you don't realize that life happens differently, and things run differently on the outside of that "thing". I've been thrown into a new life circumstance and the change has been refreshing to say the least. I never knew there could be such balance in the dealings and ways of ministry. My view on church and ministry has changed. My last experience was not a bad one by any means, I learned so very much and grew more than I ever thought I would in my last church. I just didn't know it could be done any other way. Now I know. CHANGE (REFRESHING)

The next thing I'm about to say will probably expose me for the "conservative liberal" (is that possible?) but I am going to take that chance of being scrutinized for this, but I'm pretty sure this was a God moment for me. I will start this off by saying that I did not vote for our new President, but President Obama won the election. To me, as a Christian, this means that I will support and pray for the man that the Lord saw fit to place in the most powerful seat in the world! It doesn't mean that I believe all that he believes or that I even like everything he's doing, or says he's going to do. All that preface to write this little story... There are boards in the back of our sanctuary that have different prayer points that people need to be praying for, and one of them are for the local and national leaders. The last several weeks I had seen former President Bush's picture up there and I fully expected to see his picture still up there, because after all it's only been what...1 week since President Obama was sworn into office?! I walked past that board this last Sunday and my eyes literally filled up with tears...not out of sadness....no,no,no, quite the opposite (and this surprised me too!!!) I was SO proud! There was the most amazing picture of President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama waving at the crouds as they walked for those few minutes on their parade to the White House. Her cute green gloves and their huge smiling faces. I still have my opinions, and I still don't completely agree with our President, but I WILL pray for him, and I WILL still believe in and love my country. I was proud of my church for these same reasons. CHANGE (hopefully refreshing)

So on some totally random points, I'm freezing. It's so cold outside, I have two down comfortors on my bed. I miss my friends, so so so much, and my dear friend Melissa is now a mother, just today. I wish I was closer to everyone so I wouldn't miss out on such momentous life changing occasions, but God's will above my own, His thoughts over mine, His ways over my ways.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Back in the saddle!

FINALLY!!! Last night as I got up on the keyboard to lead worship I had this wonderful familiar feeling that I hadn't felt since the Origins Conference. I know that God brought us here to accomplish something amazing for His kingdom...and last night I felt and saw a tiny glimpse of that. I've genuinely missed the presence of God that I only feel when worshiping. I KNOW that I was created to lead people into the awesome presence of God! I have no greater joy than knowing that God has put something in me that I'm able to use to touch His people in such a deep intimate way.

I know also that Craig was feeling a little bit of the same thing. He got to preach for the first time last night since the Origins conference, and it rocked! He spoke about our destiny and not trading it for anything, but pursuing the call of God on our lives. God is good.

We are happy to be here. I've learned that true joy and happiness are found in God alone and His will for my life is so much greater and more wonderful than anything I could ever make up for myself. It's not easy, for sure, following His leading no matter where it leads. Leaving amazing job security, family, dear dear friends and stability was not fun or easy by any means. But the peace of being in the CENTER of God's PERFECT will for us is...wow, it just is. I have no other words to describe His greatness. He is amazing, majestic, awesome, glorious, and worthy of EVERYTHING I am and all that I have. How could I not give Him everything for all He's given to me. I am blessed beyond words.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

TRUST

So I wrote this Oct. 14th in the midst of craziness in my life on my old blog page. I am now going to get up to date!

I'm creating this because there is so much going on in my life right now that I just need to get my thoughts out about. Not necessarily for anyone in particular to read, just to clear my head and maybe get a little more sleep at night. I'm also doing it because over the last five years I've lost so much of me, who I used to be and who I thought I was...but in turn I've gained even more, three beautiful-amazing children who challenge me to the core everyday, I've gained an amazing marriage (almost 8 years!) that would never have been possible without laying most of "me" down, and I've gained a God perspective on most things in my life. I say most because there are always going to be things in my life that I'm fighting to take control of.
For about a week now I've been waking up at crazy hours of the night and not being able to get back to sleep, which is annoying because Jaden (my 6 month old) has finally mastered...pretty much, the sleep through the night thing. I sit and pray, read my Bible, but there's just so much going on in my head that nothing is making any sense. The one clear thing that I keep hearing God say is "DO YOU TRUST ME?" When He first started asking me that I honestly couldn't answer...I've always said that I trusted Him, I always sing the songs about trusting in God, but He's been trying to show me that to REALLY TRUST, for me, is EVERYTHING, to give it all, and to let go of it all. He has to have all of me. I told Craig all this because to me this is such a profound thing (simple things are always profound to me), and he said..."I hope you said YES". I'm not sure why it takes me so long to "get it". I did finally say yes. YES God I trust YOU! Not the situation, not the circumstances, not me (definitely not me), I trust YOU!
God is amazing and faithful and I'm truly blessed! I'm going to try to do this as often as possible, but who knows...this is what I have for now!